No Indictment, No Surprise.

Am I hurt? Absolutely. I hurt for the multitude of Black Men and Women abused, assaulted, and murdered by those that swore to protect them and I hurt for the future victims. Make no mistake, they are coming. As surely as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, they are coming. Now that police officers all over this country know that they can kill someone that looks like me-whether I am armed or unarmed-with impunity, they can let the bullets fly with no worry of consequence. It would not surprise me either if the ranks of those now wishing to become police double if not triple over this non-indictment. Now every racist's kid, the young ones who have been brainwashed to believe that they are somehow superior to me because they have no melanin in their skin can get paid for killing those that look like me. Let that point sink in. They can get paid for killing me and see no jail time.

Do not call me American. I hereby reject the term African-American because America isn't my home anymore. Yes I live here but in truth this country doesn't recognize me as a citizen, if it did then I would be able to get justice for crimes perpetrated against me by everyone from the mugger in the park to the crooks in D.C. This country is not my home. Home is supposed to be ones sanctuary, it's supposed to be safe. I awake this morning knowing I can be killed by the hands of the law and my killer will not be punished for taking my life. That realization has eroded my feeling of safety. This country you call America is not my home, it never was. It is enemy territory and that's why I reject the term African-American.

Nothing can ease the pressure building in my chest or chase away the bile bubbling up in my throat. Nothing can soothe this headache I suffer with or the fear that is now draped over my shoulders like a James Brown cape. While I am not surprised at darren wilson not being indicted for the murder of Mike Brown, I am somewhat surprised by the insecurity and anger I feel about it. I knew the racist officer wouldn't be indicted, I think we all knew this. It's virtually impossible to indict a cop in this country for a shooting but I am considerably MORE uncomfortable around the police now than I was yesterday. They are paid to protect me from crime and criminals, but when they turn out to be the criminals there is no recourse. There is no one I can turn to and give an officers badge number to and say "this person violated my civil rights". I am, in effect, powerless. I have never liked the police and I have never, in all my years met a "good" cop. I firmly believe they are like dinosaurs, extinct. And it would take a monumental effort for someone to prove to me "good cops" even existed in the first place. No one can convince me that the murderer of Mike Brown was a "good cop" no matter what's said and how many say it. Much like I knew in my heart that the murderer of Trayvon Martin would walk free, I knew there would be no indictment but it's still so hard to swallow.

I now have NO protection when I walk the streets and because of that I feel like I am living behind enemy lines. Every little misstep or sideways glance can bring them running in my direction. If I don't "move it along" fast enough, protest some injustice, or ask a question I can be arrested. If I don't pay the fare for the subway I can end up being smashed in the face with a baton. I have been a law abiding citizen all my life. I have never broken the law but do the boys and girls in blue know that when they look at me? NO! All they see is a Black man who "fits the description" of another Black man who MAY have committed a crime. I have been fitting the description since the day I was born. Can you imagine that? Do you know what it's like to have that stigma over your head from day one? If you aren't Black or brown then you can't. If you aren't Black or brown you have no idea what I am talking about and honestly...I envy you.

I am not surprised by the outcome of the grand jury but it has told me one very important thing, that this is not my country, I am living behind enemy lines, and I need to start digging my tunnel to get the hell out of here.