Those are the primary questions I am asking myself far too often in the morning these days, and it shouldn't have to be that way. Yet here I am. Here I am, living in a borough, a city, a state, a country, a world where what I wear, how I wear it for my comfort, and where I travel could potentially get me killed. You think I'm over exaggerating? You think I'm hitting the panic button? Am I playing the race card perhaps? Well since my race cannot be ignored, and since studies have found that every 28 hours an unarmed Black person is murdered in this country by law enforcement, you damn right I'm hitting the panic button. If you were in my shoes, you would be too.
When I shave I have been told that I look almost twenty years younger than my actual age. I think that's coming from people with bad eyesight personally but I do look significantly younger when clean shaven. And I LIKE being clean shaven, but now I have to wonder if walking around scruffy looking is better for my health. If I looked my age, would the police leave me be if something went down and I were in the vicinity as opposed to approaching me with guns drawn because I "fit the description" while clean shaven? Which has already happened in my life.
How do I walk as to not attract any unwanted attention? I know my swag runs deep and that the bop in my step is natural, it's me and something I have a hard time curbing. Now though, I feel that maybe if I walk differently, do my best to not bop, to not appear at ease, to not be myself then maybe this man can make it home safely no matter that time of day. Speaking of that, how late is too late for me to be out and about safely without worrying about being accosted? My white friends always want me to join them at their house, a bar, or some event that's going to run well into the evening. My concerns for my safety regarding travelling home sometimes never enters their minds because they aren't Black. In their minds why wouldn't I make it home safely?
I am scared, not solely over the potential loss of my life, but for those that love and care for me, those that think I am adorable, those that consider me the smartest, bravest, and strongest man they know. What happens to them if something happens to me during an encounter with a cop that goes horribly wrong? How would they feel? Can they get justice for me? Will they be alright in the wake of my death? God, these questions can go on and on. All I hope is that I get to live out the rest of my days in relative peace and harmony while screaming at the tops of my lungs, "NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!" and fighting injustice everywhere.
Maybe I should leave my headphones home too then.
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